[b]I am taking everyone's advice and reediting this.Please feel free to leave comments about the chapter. I need some feedback seriously. Thanks 
It was that cold unforgettable winter’s day that I will never forget. At the time I was seventeen, just starting my junior year. I remember coming home and seeing the police cars parked outside. My whole body was shaking not from the cold, but from the questions I could not answer. Deep down I knew the answer, that something was terribly wrong. As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently. Emotions flooded over me, as I raced to open the door. When the door opened it revealed the man crying, and that man was my father. “Dad what’s wrong? Where is mom?” I pleaded. He looked at me and just stared with those green blood stain eyes.
“H-hhh,” He stuttered.
“Where is she at?” I demanded
“Honey, there was an accident and your….” He suddenly erupted into body racking tears he tried to say something else, but nothing came out.
The police officer stood up instead, “Miss I am officer Matthews, and unfortunately your mother was in a fatal hit and run accident. We pursued to catch the driver but he got away. I am very sorry for your lose and my condolences are with you .Tears were rolling down my cheeks and my heart was pounding intensely. Not long after that, was unconscious on the floor.
When I woke up I saw three blurry faces surrounding me, and a faint voice calling my name. “Genevieve its dad are you alright? Can you hear me?”
I slowly regained conscious but when I saw the police all the emotions from before came back.
“Dad is mom really gone.” I said barley whispering
“Yes,” He said.
“No she is not! I don’t believe it, your lying!” I screamed, then took off for the door and ran till I was out of sight. “Sir if you want us to get her …” “No let her go she needs time, we both do.”
After walking for a while I arrived at a park and stopped there to rest. Luckily I had my ipod in my pocket, so I quickly put the plugs in my ear; hoping to let it was today’s events away. When I cut it resumed playing Darius Rucker- It won’t be like this for long, so I let it play through.
He didn’t have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK
It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughing
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long
The sun was hidden in the sky; I figured three hours must have passed by. I dug in my pocket and found my cell and called my dad; a couple of minuets later a red 2009 mustang convertible pulled up. I slowly got in refusing to look at my dad.
“Genevieve we need to talk,” He said.
“About what” I said unaware I was shouting.
“The funeral arrangements I know it’s early but its best to do them now. I just want you to know that were just having a wake for her.” he replied. “What?” I yelled.
“Well I thought it would be easier on us that way.” He continued
“This is my mother the lady you were supposed to spend your whole life with! Even though she is dead and gone I would think that you would do this one last thing for her.” I gritted between my teeth
“Cupcake, I loved your mother and the only reasons were having a wake, is because she suffered severe damage from the accident. Unfortunately I had a choice to make and I chose to have her body cremated.” Dad explained
“Witches get burned! You had my mother burned, and didn’t even ask for my take on it. If it was that bad you could of have had a closed casket! YOU KNOW FORGET IT I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!” I proclaimed and bolted for my room. When I reached my room I threw open the door, and broke down and cried myself to sleep
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I really enjoyed it ^^
Just watcht your structure and when people are saying things make sure you space them out so its not like "blah" "blah"
You know?:P
Apart from that it was really sad, very effective and i would love to hear th rest ^^
haha, I just read your message and I was like "I wasn't done!!!" so here I am again.
Where was I....oh, yes
Ok, since the time I made my first post, others have done all the nit picks so I'll do the more important stuff in my eyes. Characters, dialogue, all that jazz ^^
(By the way, I don't know if anyone already said this but "No let her go..." needs its own paragraph)
Try to truly feel what each and every character is going through in your story. The Dad, the MC, the police. Right now, the MC is acting a little "awkwardly" for the situation. For her to run off like that to me didn't sound very realistic. Mostly because she is talking to her father. I would expect that she starts crying right along the father, curled up in his arms instead. On the other hand, if she wasn't talking to her father and maybe a policeman or neighbor she doesn't know very well, I would expect her to run off and say that they are lying. Just my two cents.
As much as I love music, the song lyrics (these are lyrics, right?) just don't fit, hun. I've seen song lyrics in novels before, but they are two to three lines at a time. Not one huge song. So, if you really want the song in there, shorten it, put some text, add some more lines, text. Though, that's only if the music has importance to the plot. Right now, the song doesn't have any relation to the story to me.
The whole witches get burned thing was a little awkward. I get what you're saying but I didn't really get it at first. Secondly, I thought they were in a car? How did she get to her room??
Pointers:
Ok, I already pointed out keeping it realistic several times now but its pretty rampage in this story.
1. Policeman: If there's police cars outside, a policeman should have talked to her BEFORE she got into the house in the beginning. Or she talks to the policeman to check out whats happening. Either one.
2. Dialogue: Dialogue in the essence of it is fine. However, if a loved one just died, I don't think the father would just talk like that...you have him crying in the beginning but then his speech is pretty normal. Personally, I wouldn't make them talk at all at first and then have Genieve burst out in anger to create tension. (I love suspense...)
3. Characters: I want to know more about this MC of yours. Don't forget to add her feelings like Jas said. Make me cry, ok?
4. Series of Events: Sorry hun. The whole funeral arrangements and cremating (already??) events so early aint gonna cut it....: - )
Overall: YAY! Lots of potential, Asheigh! I wonder where it is going...right now the mother is dead but as I said before I love suspense!!! Is she going to come back to life? Haunt people? Ooooh oooh, I know! She's going to haunt the guy who killed her!! And Genevieve is going to be a mini detective is figure whodunit! Ahhh, I knew it!! ^^
I'm so smart. Anyway, can't wait to review the next part. Try to remind me if you can.
- JC
Hey I'm new here and I was exploring the site when I came upon your story. The first sentence is very well written and dragged me right in! Very intriging! You based it on a good topic that many people have been through. I kept wondering what would happen next! However, you do need to spice your sentences up and take more thought into each and every sentence. It was a little fast paced and jumpy, but if you take time to think about your story outline and add more details I can see it going somewhere! There were some grammer and spelling mistakes, but Jasmine12 already hit that:)
Personally, I believe that instead of having her call her dad after she ran off (which was a little wierd since she just passed out) she should have fell asleep on the bench and had nightmares(which would be fun to write about:) or a dream of her mother telling her eveything was going to be okay. Or possibly she could have ran away or just sat there an sulked. The possibilities are endless. Yes, mine may have not been especially good, so why not come up with a few of your own. Either way have fun with it and don't stress out because this is a very good idea you've got going for you! Remember details, details, details. Details make the reader feel as if they're are really there beside that character and absorbing everything around them. Jazz up some of your sentences and just have fun with it:) ***RJ
Hey Ashleigh I'm Peanut. My critiques are in bold.
I hope this helped.
Hello Ashleigh Brown!!!! My name is Jas and I will be your reviewer this morning, at least, I hope it is morning for you...stupid time zones. Well, off I go...
This is a very strong opening line. Me likey.
~~~~~~~
Hmm, this seems odd to me. Would someone truley be shaking with questions? I would think fear, fear of what happened, fear of what will happen, just plain fear. But, thats just me. Also, As I came closer towards the door comma I heard a man sobbing violently.
~~~~~~~
No comma needed here.
~~~~~~~~
I don't really favor the first sentence here. It's awkward to read and it's telling, not showing. Try reworking that somehow. Also, she is addressing her father, so there would be a comma after his name.
~~~~~~~~~
Er? Blood stained?
~~~~~~~~~~
I'm all for dialect but, I'd lose the 'at'
~~~~~~~~~~~
No need for a comma here. But, she just...fell? There was no black out, distant voices. she. just. fell.
~~~~~~~~~~
Again, he is addressing her, so there would be a comma after her name.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Conciousness. She. Just. Woke. Up. No splitting headaches? No moving her fingers to know she isnt dead. No? Oh, okay then....
~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after Dad and comma after said.
~~~~~~~~~~~
It was previously stated that she ran. out. of. sight. She wouldnt have been able to hear this.
~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to use this, comma after Luckily. But, I wouldnt because its telling. not showing. showing would be more like, i placed my freezing cold hands in my pockets for an ounce of warmth, only to find the rectangular piece of plastic that was my life. my ipod....see? using her emotions while tying in that she actually can see, feel, touch....get what i'm saying?
~~~~~~~~~~~
She. got. her. phone. then. called. her. dad. then. got. in. car......eep. choppy and nonflowing action going on. Reword, split this up. She should still be upset? where did that go? is she supressing...???
~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after her name? yes?
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Question mark? comma after said...that should be asked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after arrangements...and yes...moving all to fast there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after Well, and. er. why is he just letting her yell at him? What happened to respect your elders?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after mother. And gritted...no. use a different word. Uhm.. i hissed between my teeth, or just said between clenched teeth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after unfortunately. and, they could just have a closed casket.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, hey, yeah lol. *blushes*
~~~~~~~~~~~
Comma after know. And. she. proclaimed. and. then. she. went. to her. room. then. she. cried.
Okay, theres a few things here. There isnt much flow here. The story is rushed and cramped in this small space. Let your narrarator feel before anything else. let her see her surrounding and feel her heart breaking for her mother. Let her be a human...not a robot. See what i mean?
I hope i could be of some help.
--Jas
Hello again! I thought I might review your work.^^
One of the best writing advice I've gotten (thanks JabberHut!) is that your characters have all six senses. They can see, hear, taste, smell, feel, and wait a second...there's only five senses....*blushes*
anyway, make sure you are "documenting" what the MC is "sensing" at all times. I say that because even though earlier in the paragraph you state that the MC is coming home, "As I came closer towards the door" totally threw me off. Write some sentences about her going up to the porch etc or atleast say "front door" so I know she's going inside the house (more about how that probably wouldn't have happened in real life later)
Ok, now that I said that, back to the stuff in the quotes. "As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently" add the word "inside" to the end of the sentence to clarify even though I don't think you would be able to hear a sob through a front door.
Senses again. When the MC (sorry I don't feel like typing Genevieve over and over
Ok, I have to go to bed now lol so I'll be sure to finish this review tomorrow!!! So, sorry!
- JC