I really enjoyed it ^^
Just watcht your structure and when people are saying things make sure you space them out so its not like "blah" "blah"
You know?:P
Apart from that it was really sad, very effective and i would love to hear th rest ^^
[b]I am taking everyone's advice and reediting this.Please feel free to leave comments about the chapter. I need some feedback seriously. Thanks 
It was that cold unforgettable winter’s day that I will never forget. At the time I was seventeen, just starting my junior year. I remember coming home and seeing the police cars parked outside. My whole body was shaking not from the cold, but from the questions I could not answer. Deep down I knew the answer, that something was terribly wrong. As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently. Emotions flooded over me, as I raced to open the door. When the door opened it revealed the man crying, and that man was my father. “Dad what’s wrong? Where is mom?” I pleaded. He looked at me and just stared with those green blood stain eyes.
“H-hhh,” He stuttered.
“Where is she at?” I demanded
“Honey, there was an accident and your….” He suddenly erupted into body racking tears he tried to say something else, but nothing came out.
The police officer stood up instead, “Miss I am officer Matthews, and unfortunately your mother was in a fatal hit and run accident. We pursued to catch the driver but he got away. I am very sorry for your lose and my condolences are with you .Tears were rolling down my cheeks and my heart was pounding intensely. Not long after that, was unconscious on the floor.
When I woke up I saw three blurry faces surrounding me, and a faint voice calling my name. “Genevieve its dad are you alright? Can you hear me?”
I slowly regained conscious but when I saw the police all the emotions from before came back.
“Dad is mom really gone.” I said barley whispering
“Yes,” He said.
“No she is not! I don’t believe it, your lying!” I screamed, then took off for the door and ran till I was out of sight. “Sir if you want us to get her …” “No let her go she needs time, we both do.”
After walking for a while I arrived at a park and stopped there to rest. Luckily I had my ipod in my pocket, so I quickly put the plugs in my ear; hoping to let it was today’s events away. When I cut it resumed playing Darius Rucker- It won’t be like this for long, so I let it play through.
He didn’t have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK
It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughing
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long
The sun was hidden in the sky; I figured three hours must have passed by. I dug in my pocket and found my cell and called my dad; a couple of minuets later a red 2009 mustang convertible pulled up. I slowly got in refusing to look at my dad.
“Genevieve we need to talk,” He said.
“About what” I said unaware I was shouting.
“The funeral arrangements I know it’s early but its best to do them now. I just want you to know that were just having a wake for her.” he replied. “What?” I yelled.
“Well I thought it would be easier on us that way.” He continued
“This is my mother the lady you were supposed to spend your whole life with! Even though she is dead and gone I would think that you would do this one last thing for her.” I gritted between my teeth
“Cupcake, I loved your mother and the only reasons were having a wake, is because she suffered severe damage from the accident. Unfortunately I had a choice to make and I chose to have her body cremated.” Dad explained
“Witches get burned! You had my mother burned, and didn’t even ask for my take on it. If it was that bad you could of have had a closed casket! YOU KNOW FORGET IT I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!” I proclaimed and bolted for my room. When I reached my room I threw open the door, and broke down and cried myself to sleep
I really enjoyed it ^^
Just watcht your structure and when people are saying things make sure you space them out so its not like "blah" "blah"
You know?:P
Apart from that it was really sad, very effective and i would love to hear th rest ^^
haha, I just read your message and I was like "I wasn't done!!!" so here I am again.
Where was I....oh, yes
Ok, since the time I made my first post, others have done all the nit picks so I'll do the more important stuff in my eyes. Characters, dialogue, all that jazz ^^
When I woke up I saw three blurry faces surrounding me, and a faint voice calling my name. "Genevieve its dad are you alright? Can you hear me?"
I slowly regained conscious but when I saw the police all the emotions from before came back. "Dad is mom really gone." I said barley whispering
"Yes,"He said.
"No she is not! I don't believe it, your lying!" I screamed, then took off for the door and ran untll I was out of sight. "Sir if you want us to get her" "No let her go she needs time, we both do."
After walking for a while I arrived at a park and stopped there to rest. Luckily I had my ipod in my pocket, so I quickly put the plugs in my ear; hoping to let it was today’s events away. When I cut it resumed playing Darius Rucker- It won’t be like this for long, so I let it play through.
He didn’t have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK
It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughing
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long
Witches get burned! You had my mother burned, and didn't even ask for my take on it. If it was that bad you could of have had a closed casket! YOU KNOW FORGET IT I JUST CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!" I proclaimed and bolted for my room. When I reached my room I threw open the door, and broke down and cried myself to sleep
Hey I'm new here and I was exploring the site when I came upon your story. The first sentence is very well written and dragged me right in! Very intriging! You based it on a good topic that many people have been through. I kept wondering what would happen next! However, you do need to spice your sentences up and take more thought into each and every sentence. It was a little fast paced and jumpy, but if you take time to think about your story outline and add more details I can see it going somewhere! There were some grammer and spelling mistakes, but Jasmine12 already hit that:)
Personally, I believe that instead of having her call her dad after she ran off (which was a little wierd since she just passed out) she should have fell asleep on the bench and had nightmares(which would be fun to write about:) or a dream of her mother telling her eveything was going to be okay. Or possibly she could have ran away or just sat there an sulked. The possibilities are endless. Yes, mine may have not been especially good, so why not come up with a few of your own. Either way have fun with it and don't stress out because this is a very good idea you've got going for you! Remember details, details, details. Details make the reader feel as if they're are really there beside that character and absorbing everything around them. Jazz up some of your sentences and just have fun with it:) ***RJ
Hey Ashleigh I'm Peanut. My critiques are in bold.
It was that cold unforgettable winter’s day that I will never forget.If its unforgettable we know you won't forget it. At the time I was seventeen, just starting my junior year. I remember coming home and seeing the police cars parked outside. My whole body was shaking , not from the cold, but from the questions I could not answer.What is the question that the answer's to? Deep down I knew the answer, that something was terribly wrong. As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently. Emotions flooded over me, as I raced to open the door. When the door opened it revealed the man crying, and that man was my father. “Dad what’s wrong? Where is mom?” I pleaded. He looked at me and just stared with those green blood stain eyes. Blood stained? I know what you mean but I think it'd be better if you changed it.
“H-hhh,” He stuttered.
“Where is she at?” I demanded. You can leave off the at
“Honey, there was an accident and your….” He suddenly erupted into body racking tears he tried to say something else, but nothing came out.
The police officer stood up instead, “Miss, I am officer Matthews, and take off the and unfortunately your mother was in a fatal hit and run accident. We pursued to catch the driver but he got away. I am very sorry for your lose and my condolences are with you ."Tears were rolling down my cheeks and my heart was pounding intensely. Not long after that, was unconscious on the floor. Not long after that I lost consciousness.
When I woke up I saw three blurry faces surrounding me, and a faint voice calling my name. “Genevieve,its dad are you alright? Can you hear me?”
I slowly regained consciousness but when I saw the police all the emotions from before came back.
“Dad, is mom really gone.?” I said barley whispering.
“Yes,” He said.
“No she is not! I don’t believe it, your lying!” I screamed, then took off for the door and ran till I was out of sight. Umm.. she just regained consciousness I don't really think she'd be running “Sir if you want us to get her …” “No let her go she needs time, we both do.”
After walking for a while I arrived at a park and stopped there to rest. Luckily I had my ipod in my pocket, so I quickly put the plugs in my ear; hoping to let it was wash? today’s events away. When I cut it on it resumed playing Darius Rucker- It won’t be like this for long, so I let it play through.
He didn’t have to wake up
He'd been up all night
Laying there in bed listening
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
He splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
It gonna be OK
It wont be like this for long
One day soon we'll look back laughing
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long
The sun was hidden in the sky; I figured three hours must have passed by. I dug in my pocket and found my cell and called my dad; a couple of minuets minuteslater a red 2009 mustang convertible pulled up. I slowly got in refusing to look at my dad.
“Genevieve, we need to talk,” He said.
“About what?” I said asked, unaware I was shouting.
“The funeral arrangements, I know it’s early but its best to do them now. I just want you to know that we're just having a wake for her.” he replied. “What?” I yelled.
“Well I thought it would be easier on us that way.” He continued
“This is my mother,the lady you were supposed to spend your whole life with! Even though she is dead and gone I would think that you would do this one last thing for her.” I gritted between my teeth
“Cupcake, I loved your mother and the only reasons reason we're having a wake, is because she suffered severe damage from the accident. Unfortunately I had a choice to make and I chose to have her body cremated.” Dad explained
“Witches get burned! You had my mother burned, and didn’t even ask for my take on it. If it was that bad you could of have had a closed casket! YOU KNOW FORGET IT! I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!” I proclaimed and bolted for my room. When I reached my room I threw open the door, and broke down and cried myself to sleep.
About her going to her room, I thought they were in the car. You didn't show anything that said they exited the car and went into the house.
Hello Ashleigh Brown!!!! My name is Jas and I will be your reviewer this morning, at least, I hope it is morning for you...stupid time zones. Well, off I go...
It was that cold unforgettable winter’s day that I will never forget.
My whole body was shaking not from the cold, but from the questions I could not answer. Deep down I knew the answer, that something was terribly wrong. As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently.
Emotions flooded over me, as I raced to open the door.
When the door opened it revealed the man crying, and that man was my father. “Dad what’s wrong? Where is mom?”
He looked at me and just stared with those green blood stain eyes.
“Where is she at?” I demanded
Not long after that, was unconscious on the floor.
“Genevieve its dad are you alright? Can you hear me?”
I slowly regained conscious
“Dad is mom really gone.” I said barley whispering
“Sir if you want us to get her …” “No let her go she needs time, we both do."
Luckily I had my ipod in my pocket, so I quickly put the plugs in my ear; hoping to let it was today’s events away.
I dug in my pocket and found my cell and called my dad; a couple of minuets later a red 2009 mustang convertible pulled up. I slowly got in refusing to look at my dad.
“Genevieve we need to talk,” He said.
“About what” I said unaware I was shouting.
“The funeral arrangements I know it’s early but its best to do them now.
“Well I thought it would be easier on us that way.” He continued
“This is my mother the lady you were supposed to spend your whole life with! Even though she is dead and gone I would think that you would do this one last thing for her.”
Unfortunately I had a choice to make and I chose to have her body cremated.”
If it was that bad you could of have had a closed casket!
YOU KNOW FORGET IT I JUST CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS!” I proclaimed and bolted for my room. When I reached my room I threw open the door, and broke down and cried myself to sleep.
Hello again! I thought I might review your work.^^
As I came closer towards the door I heard a man sobbing violently. Emotions flooded over me, as I raced to open the door. When the door opened it revealed the man crying, and that man was my father. "Dad, what's wrong? Where is mom?" I pleaded. He looked at me and just stared with those green blood stain eyes.
) opens the door, what does she see other than her father? More importantly, where is the father sitting in the house? Details...
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